LETTER TO 지나 01
THEY TOLD ME YOU WERE ASLEEP
AND MORE THAN ANYTHING, I WISH
THAT I WAS THE ONE ASLEEP AND DREAMING.
WE HAD SO MUCH LEFT TO DO AND YEAH,
MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU IN A DREAM.
WE COULD ACTUALLY DECIDE ON
WHERE WE WANT TO GO AND
WHAT WE WANT TO SEE.
I WANTED TO SHOW YOU MY FAVORITE
CORNERS OF MY BELOVED CITIES,
AND I WANTED SO BADLY TO GO
WHERE YOU LOVED MOST.
I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO SEE YOU IN A DREAM,
I WISH YOU WOKE UP SO I COULD TELL YOU
A MILLION TIMES OVER,
"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY LIFE."
LETTER TO 지나 02
I cry a lot everytime Facebooks suggests
that I add you.Not because I know that
you can't accept it, but because it reminds
me of that time we had that argument
after I tagged you in a photo and you
got pissed off at me because I was being
a bad friend for sharing a picture of
you where your nails weren't filled in.
Then you deleted me and said you wouldn't
add me back until I got a shot of you
where everything about you was perfect.
It's not fair, because you were always perfect.
Always willing to learn, to share, to listen.
We were so blessed to have such
good people in our lives that
cried, laughed, screamed, and learned together.
I was so lucky to have had you in mine.
LETTER TO 지나 03
Tomorrow is your birthday and I wish
I wouldn’t have to accept that I will
always miss it from now on.
I would rather forget because there really is
nothing left to say but how could I possibly forget,
because my only one regret was not telling you
everything over all of those cigarettes.
I knew for a long time that it would be this way.
Because it’s different now, more than it even was
when it had become different. And I always knew
that this is where we would stand, with that bold
line between us when it once was fine.
So I’m going to do what I’ve been doing and keep going,
living like that the memory I have of you is just a mask.
Maybe next year will be better,
maybe next time I will actually forget.
because you will always be here.
LETTER TO 지나 04
some days are really hard,
especially when people ask.
i really wish people would stop
asking me how and when,
instead of what and why.
some days are so fucking hard,
where i see something
that makes me take out my phone
to start texting you,
then stopping midway
and realizing that i can't.
they haven't disconnected your number.
i really wish i saved our entire
conversations, and i really wish
that you could just somehow reply to me.
i just want to talk,
i don't even have to hear what
you sound like anymore,
i just wish that you could still be here,
and that i could have still sent you that picture
of someone's fake nails that got left behind.
LETTER TO 지나 05
It's been eight months.
I've been dreaming about you so much,
and my whole fucking heart breaks
when I wake up because I just wanted
a little bit longer to hold onto your hands
(that were always cold, never warm).
I have so much to say, I had so much to say.
Do I really have to accept that
this is how it's going to be from now on?
Should've, could've, would've always gets in the way.
I'm supposed to be doing everything
that we said that we'd do, I'm doing such a shit job.
I am so sorry.
LETTER TO 지나 06
i cried next to the sink running today.
i'm so happy i got to hear your voice.
Nathalie sent me a track she made with your vocals on it.
i was afraid that i wouldn't be able to hear your voice again.
i never want to forget the sound of your voice,
the shape of your hands, the creases in your skin,
the way you would cover your mouth when you'd laugh.
LETTER TO 지나 07
I got you tattooed on me today,
I think it really looks like you.
I could really cry everytime I look at it.
i even wrote this for you when i was getting it done,
please don't be upset with me. I just really miss you.
heartache in my brain,
wish i could see you again.
there's always a hum that says,
"i'm sorry."
maybe i can sleep forever,
that way i think i'll see you again.
hoping that more than just in a dream,
i'll say "i'm sorry."
LETTER TO 지나 08
this week is so hard. So, so, so very hard.
everything feels so tried, and i go through phases
where i'm so grateful and happy that i have everyone in my life
and then phases where i don't deserve to be happy
because i wasn't able to say goodbye.
and i don't know when the next time will be,
so i'm sorry for always talking out loud as if
you can say something back to me.
i'm sure you're sick of hearing me crying.
i wish i knew if what i'm doing is right,
and if what i'm doing is going to make you proud.
i don't think i can really decide on an answer.
LETTER TO 지나 09
it is going to be one year very soon.
hey beautiful, how have you been doing these days?
i was just in japan, and i kept seeing so much that reminded me of you,
and i promise i took as many photos that i could of everything,
so that maybe you can see it too.
i want to believe that whatever i'm seeing, you can see too.
there were so many things in reds, yellows, oranges, and pinks.
i think you would have laughed and rolled your eyes at the
thought of coming back to america,
like how i've been doing this week.
i am so jet-lagged. it fucking sucks.
i miss you so much, i miss you to death.
it's been a slow year, although it feels hectic.
like a hurricane that took everything with it,
leaving me behind to laugh at how fucking sad i am.
gina, i wish you could tell me that i'm doing a good job.
i really don't feel like i am. i wish i could believe
that i'm doing okay, that i didn't waste a whole year
crying your name out loud, instead of laughing at things
that you would have laughed at with me.
LETTER TO 지나 10
dear gina,
it has been one year now, and it's been the longest year.
i keep repeating myself, and reliving the phone calls.
i guess starting over isn't really what i'm trying to do,
but i've learned that it is okay to start over, and that if
i had to get back to the start, everything i do would be for you.
i've learned that words from others can cut so deep.
"i love you" and "how are you?" are reminders that i will never
be really able to say them to you, and hearing your answer.
i still talk out loud, as if i'm expecting a reply.
i still sometimes hope that i'd hear back.
"i love you" and "how are you" are reminders from others that
i am really not that alone, although it definitely feels like it.
i still feel you around sometimes, and i want to believe that
it's you telling me to moisturize my face and my elbows.
you are my muse, and no one can really take that away from me.
i think life is cruel, and it doesn't deserve you still.
i'm constantly so angry, so sad, so defeated.
i don't think i could ever let go, because letting go feels
like it's full of resentment and horror.
i'm holding on to this memory,
until it burns into my brain, until it burns me into ashes
and maybe then, it would bring me back to you.
i am still learning, still practicing being patient, and
doing a pretty messy job of keeping track of my progress.
i love you, how are you?
i am doing better, not quite okay, i know this is going
to follow me to tails of my life, but i still love you so much.
a year without you is like a year with rain.
LETTER TO 지나 11
happy birthday to the best girl.
if it was okay, i would have sent twenty-three bouquets
of your favorite flowers or twenty-three bouquets
of all the plants that you've asked me to identify before.
i miss that a lot, because you'd send me photos of plants
that you wanted to know what it was, and i'd tell you
some fact about it that you didn't ask for.
i probably just wanted to impress you,
because it really does make me happy when people
ask me about plants because i'm good at it.
the fact that you'd humor me all the time made
me love you endlessly, because you were so patient
with my frustrations and your willingness to listen
made me feel like i was worth it.
if everything was okay, i would have surprised you with
some fenty along with twenty-three BOUQUETS
LETTER TO 지나 12
i'm sorry that i've been so absent lately,
i really should have been talking to you more.
lately i've been really disconnected with myself,
and emotionally not present, i guess.
it probably would have been easier if i just
said all these things out loud, so that you would
at least could have heard me.
why am i always too late for everything?
is everything okay?
i've been in a weird place.
i took photos of some people these last couple of weeks,
and some of the plants that you asked me about were
part of them and i can't help but to hurt.
i wish it was you instead, and i wish it was me instead.
talk to you soon.
LETTER TO 지나 13
last night i dreamed that we were in sf and were really
high at the conservatory of flowers. we spent most of the
day around there. we went to the botanical garden,
strawberry hill, and the de young museum.
i spent this morning crying into my leftover burrito
that i didn’t even heat up. i just ate it cold because
i just don’t care anymore. i can barely take care of
myself lately, things are just so hard right now that
i can’t find it in me to care. you would be so upset at me
and probably tell me to wash my face and use some eye cream
or something.
i wish i just never woke up and could live in that dream forever.
i wish i could just call you and ask you if you wanted to go and
have a fun date weekend where we could do all of that.
i never got to do any of that with anyone, and if it were up to me,
of course it would have been you.
i miss you so much.
LETTER TO 지나 14
It's already another April, which means it will be two years without you
I'm feeling more confident this spring, but it still hurts so much.
I think about my failures a lot, my insecurities on how I feel so
inadequate for this world and I keep telling myself that it would be
much more easier for me to look forward to things if you could just
give me that push that you always did when I was uncertain.
I'm going to Antelope Valley this spring to see you among
the poppy and lupine blooms that stretch on for miles.
Esther told me that your mom said it was one of your favorite places.
God, I just wish I could have seen it with you.
LETTER TO 지나 15
Thank you for having me, I'm sorry it was so brief.
I think if I stayed any longer it would have been harder to go.
The sun wasn't out, there were scattered rains and heavy clouds.
I felt peace, and I felt longing for the skies to rip apart
so that the poppies would too have opened up.
I miss you terribly.
See you next year.
LETTER TO 지나 16
Three Aprils later:
My heart stirs and it keeps me awake.
Grief bleeds rain, and reality is a distortion.
I try to remember Antelope Valley in detail;
Overcast skies and hiding blooms,
Cold air carrying the scent of pollen and dust.
Your ashes kissed the earth, blessing each poppy.
Heaven has kept you home a while now,
And I'm still here, accepting to be alone.
I don't think I can ever be whole again.
I'm sorry I can't visit you this year.
